Rosie Recaps: The Bachelor

 

I used to write recaps of Channel Ten’s The Bachelor (the most glorious show in the history of shows). Some people liked those recaps. Here are those recaps.

The Bachelorette – 2015 (#BachieQueen)

Episode 1 – Bachie Queen meets her men at Peen Palace.

Episode 2 – A knobcloud reveals himself, and Bachie Queen goes OFF.

Episode 3 – Bachie Queen demands a pash. Gets it, of course.

Episode 4 – The Peen Owners get physical. Lose all dignity.

Episode 5 – A Peen Owner goes in for a kiss without permission. NOPE.

Episode 6 – The hottest pash so far. HANDS DOWN.

Episode 7 – Was that a wee little tantrum? Yes. Yes it was.

Episode 8 – WHY HAS NOTHING INTERESTING HAPPENED ON THIS SHOW?

Episode 9 – Everybody’s favourite gets booted.

FINALE – The ultimate Peen Owner is chosen.

The Bachelor – 2015 (#BachieWood)

Episode 1 – Bachie Wood meets his 19 girlfriends.

Episode 2 – Bachie Wood makes Oshie break up with THREE girls for him.

Episode 3 – Bachie Wood goes on two dates. Kisses one, kicks out the other.

Episode 4 – It’s painfully obvious in the first five minutes which girls are going tonight.

Episode 5 – The one where our favourite is booted.

Episode 6 – He couldn’t even wait for the rose ceremony to kick her out.

Episode 7 – Bachie Wood fights the ultimate battle between his brain and his peen.

Episode 8 – Poor Bachie Wood. He took a girl to the sex couch and only got a pash.

Episode 9 – Guess which girl just broke out of the Girl Prison during the rose ceremony?

Episode 10 – The lights went out. Naughty things happened.

Episode 11: Bachie Wood finally realised he can’t keep all the girls. Breaks down.

Episode 12: Well, that was obvious. The total rando gets booted.

Episode 13: Bachie Wood is scared of ‘opinionated women’. Ewwwwww.

Episode 14: In which the ultimate clit-blockage occurs.

Episode 15: Girl Prison Brainwashing is officially complete.

FINALE: Poor Bachie Wood only gets to keep one.

 

The Bachelor – 2014 (#BachieWiggum)

Episode 1 – Meet Blake: The new muscles with a head.

Episode 2 – Already touching special places.

Episode 3 – So much beach gazing. So many muscles.

Episode 4 – Someone just quit The Bachelor. Mid-date. Because DRAMA.

Episode 5 – A secret, horrifying gift hidden in a boob.

Episode 6 – Osher has vanished into a bowl of hair dye and tears.

Episode 7 – The girls must pass a functioning womb test.

Episode 8 – Someone just turned down a rose on The Bachelor.

Episode 9 – Bachelor kisses a girl in front of all the other girls. GASP!

Episode 10 – Ew. The Bachelor actually just asked the girls to prove their cooking skills.

Episode 11 – Bachie didn’t even wait for the rose ceremony to send her home.

Episode 12 – Slow-blinking forehead sex just happened on The Bachelor.

Episode 13 – The Bachelor just poisoned one of his ten girlfriends.

Episode 14 – Porn for charity.

Episode 15 – HE TOUCHED HIS EYE.

Episode 16 – All of the hot tub forehead sex.

Episode 17 – Bachie’s ladies TELL ALL.

Episode 18 – Bachie is not allowed to keep all of his girlfriends. Cries at the injustice.

Episode 19 – A reject is abandoned in Africa. Also: BUNDA.

FINALE – Bachie proves once and for all that he is a Dirty Street Pie.

 

The Bachelor – 2013 (#Bachie)

Episode 1 – Meet Tim: Muscles with a head. 

Episode 2 – Can’t decide if they’re crazy eyes or Disney Princess eyes.

Episode 3 – A picnic without food is not a picnic. It’s just sitting on a blanket.

Episode 4 – Fainting, tears and inappropriate touching.

Episode 5 – Sailing, risotto and a serious lack of crazy eyes.

 Episode 6 – Sacrificial lambs and a Bachelor ambush.

Episode 7 – Will you accept this rose… FROM MY PANTS?

Episode 8 – Super sneaky tactics and an epileptic cat.

Episode 9 – Ali’s Magnum Opus.

 Episode 10 – ‘Interpretating’ art and a dark, dark secret.

Episode 11 – Meeting the parents and some last-minute begging.

Episode 12 – Talking about sex without saying the word ‘sex’.

FINALE – Tim and Anna take care of that ‘Rochelle Problem’.

 

 

12 thoughts on “Rosie Recaps: The Bachelor

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  2. This is the greatest thing i have ever read in my lifd. I really hope you and oshy’s hair have a wonderful life together!

    Please do “married at first sight”! I’m begging you!!!!

  3. Rosie, you are a f—–g legend!!! I seriously nearly wet my pants reading your recaps. Your the only reason why I even bother to watch the Bachelor. Keep it real babe, your fabulous. Thanks for the laughs 🙂

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  6. why would you stop doing this? you have a talent and you entertain the masses you must continue! We love you and your recaps rosie! also you are a super talented writer who wrote a hilarious book so please tell us another one is on the horizon!

  7. Oh dear Lord, Rosie please hurry and get better cause I desperately need to read your hilarious in depth take on what has broken my heart for Nikki plus I’m all out of chocolate! Help!!

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